Trip to the Mall

Ah ~_~ I feel so sad right now.

I saw someone I knew in high school at the mall today. I hadn't seen them in ~3 years but all I could do was stare at them awkwardly as I rode up the escalator without even so much as a "hello." They probably thought I forgot about them, but it's just the opposite - I was afraid to approach them because I knew them. I have a fear of people in general and it only magnifies when I'm around them or when I haven't seen them in a while.

Plus, it brought back all of the miserable memories of high school, such as:
-I never made any new friends in all 4 years I was there.
-I never went to junior or senior prom.
-I never got anyone to sign my senior yearbook.
-I never hung out with anyone or got to know anyone outside of class.
-Everyone hated me because I was a good, moral person who never lied (inside school) and always favored the teachers.
-I was afraid of others and of myself, and to this day I haven't had the courage to express myself fully around anyone. I just don't feel comfortable or enjoy life at all...

It's weird, if you ask anyone I am the most nicest and open person you'll meet - I love helping people and I don't hide anything about myself IF I am asked a question. But it's all transitory and short lasting... nobody ever tries to maintain a friendship with me. Not only am I afraid and unable to ask others to be my friend, but people will realize this, try to become friends with me, but never follow up and then forget about me. I realize this is really my fault, because I don't make my own effort to maintain them... but like I said before, I have no courage, no self confidence to put myself out there...

I'm already 20 - I'm getting old. Sometimes I feel like when I die, it'll be as if I never existed because I feel as if I'm not really existing now anyway. I'm always lonely and not happy (but not sad either), but I'm somehow content with that and my life goes nowhere.

My life is uninteresting, so I have nothing to talk about myself. I'm boring to be around and I actually don't enjoy leaving my house. I fear it's too late from me, I've become accustomed to the lifestyle I have, and it'll never change.

It hasn't before, and it never will...