Feelings of Detest

Apparently I am so full of hatred of myself that I just passed up a good opportunity.

A while back I got an email saying I was eligible to join this Golden Key Honors Society. I heard a rumor in school that it was a "fake email" and although a few people asked me about it, I didn't think anything more of it.

Then I kept getting emails to ask me to join. I got suspicious and thought it was a website trying to spam me, so I unsubscribed from emails from that website and blocked it.

Then I see people on facebook joining the group "Golden Key Honors Society" and now realize that it's real, and that an induction ceremony is soon to take place. And now I'm disappointed in myself. Not because I didn't believe it was real. In fact, part of me knew it was real. However, I used the excuse "I wasn't good enough, it wont matter anyway even if it was real" to hinder my judgment. I hate myself so much that I missed this great opportunity. I do this all the time. I remember when I was still in karate, I used to turn down promotions all the time because I didn't feel "ready" (aka I wasn't confident enough in myself, thought I was not worth it). I also feel horrible at job interviews because they all want me to talk about my success and all I see is failure, so I have trouble communicating things clearly.

All in all, this little trigger of events just reminded me, again, of how much I truly hate myself and am never really happy. I wont get anywhere in life because of my poor outlook of myself. Indeed, success and happiness are only second to courage and inner strength.

Oh well.