Useless Activities

Okay so Golden Key International Honour Society apparently said I could still join, but you know what? I decided not to. If it's one thing I learned from my college, it's that every time I try to get involved in a club, it either (a) goes nowhere, (b) tries to make a difference but fails, or (c) makes a difference but has too many members and I feel useless.

Take for example Alpha Lambda Delta Honors Society. I was accepted into it during my freshmen year - they said they would do lots of activities and that member involvement was encouraged. I waited and waited for them to send me an email about when they were going to do events, but found out I wasn't on the mailing list for some reason. So I asked several representatives more than once to put me on the mailing list... but nope, months and months passed. Then semesters. To this day I am clueless to what they are doing. I commute, so I know absolutely nothing about what goes on at school itself and rely on email. I go to class, then leave, so even if it's posted on the wall I probably wont even notice it. I tried to get involved in this, but they obviously don't care too much about their members.

Physics club... yeah that went nowhere. It's run by lazy senior members who don't care. They do nothing but hold a club meeting maybe once a month if that... and all they do is eat pizza and watch movies. Sorry but, I hate movies in general, pizza is the grossest substance on earth, and the club goes to waste because they don't really do anything significant at all. Plus the time is hugely inconvenient and is late at night which sucks for me because I am basically the only physics major that is a commuter. It always favors the people who live on campus -_-.

Math club... I volunteered to talk at a few schools, went to a few meetings. It seemed okay at first, but there is just nothing to it! Again, it's essentially pizza, talking, and going nowhere. They have free tutoring for math that you can volunteer for, but I already help LOTS of people in my physics and math classes on a regular basis AND I am also officially a tutor by the school itself. So... I have no purpose in this club.

ATI... I really do like the club and the people in it, but I felt largely overshadowed by everyone else. I went to a bunch of meetings last semester, attended nearly every event I could. However, it seemed like I would just sit and do nothing the whole time. I would look forward to an event, only to literally waste hours sitting on a chair doing nothing. There were always too many members there already and the majority of events weren't really helping people, just spreading awareness. I liked helping out at the walk for diabetes thing, but I honestly don't think we really made a difference to actually help people there either... it was more like do chores to keep the place running smoothly. Also, everyone is really really close friends in the club and I feel overwhelmingly out of place. It's mostly because I don't allow myself to open up to others easily, but I just feel like I'm tossed aside and nobody takes me seriously because they had a good friend they can talk to instead.

Anyway, yeah, there are more clubs, but those are (were) the most important to me.
I just feel like every day I've ever been to college is a horrible, miserable experience and it's nearly been 3 years and I have yet to feel totally comfortable even around one person. And I probably don't know 90% of the names of people in my grade yet alone the whole school.

Plus, who needs club involvement when I volunteer regularly anyway? I am a rec therapy assistant at a hospital and I volunteer in long term care. I make a difference in the lives of many elderly, and I actually feel like I have meaning there... not at the useless clubs and activities at my college that only add to my constant feelings of inadequacy and nonexistence.

-_-

Feelings of Detest

Apparently I am so full of hatred of myself that I just passed up a good opportunity.

A while back I got an email saying I was eligible to join this Golden Key Honors Society. I heard a rumor in school that it was a "fake email" and although a few people asked me about it, I didn't think anything more of it.

Then I kept getting emails to ask me to join. I got suspicious and thought it was a website trying to spam me, so I unsubscribed from emails from that website and blocked it.

Then I see people on facebook joining the group "Golden Key Honors Society" and now realize that it's real, and that an induction ceremony is soon to take place. And now I'm disappointed in myself. Not because I didn't believe it was real. In fact, part of me knew it was real. However, I used the excuse "I wasn't good enough, it wont matter anyway even if it was real" to hinder my judgment. I hate myself so much that I missed this great opportunity. I do this all the time. I remember when I was still in karate, I used to turn down promotions all the time because I didn't feel "ready" (aka I wasn't confident enough in myself, thought I was not worth it). I also feel horrible at job interviews because they all want me to talk about my success and all I see is failure, so I have trouble communicating things clearly.

All in all, this little trigger of events just reminded me, again, of how much I truly hate myself and am never really happy. I wont get anywhere in life because of my poor outlook of myself. Indeed, success and happiness are only second to courage and inner strength.

Oh well.

Trip to the Mall

Ah ~_~ I feel so sad right now.

I saw someone I knew in high school at the mall today. I hadn't seen them in ~3 years but all I could do was stare at them awkwardly as I rode up the escalator without even so much as a "hello." They probably thought I forgot about them, but it's just the opposite - I was afraid to approach them because I knew them. I have a fear of people in general and it only magnifies when I'm around them or when I haven't seen them in a while.

Plus, it brought back all of the miserable memories of high school, such as:
-I never made any new friends in all 4 years I was there.
-I never went to junior or senior prom.
-I never got anyone to sign my senior yearbook.
-I never hung out with anyone or got to know anyone outside of class.
-Everyone hated me because I was a good, moral person who never lied (inside school) and always favored the teachers.
-I was afraid of others and of myself, and to this day I haven't had the courage to express myself fully around anyone. I just don't feel comfortable or enjoy life at all...

It's weird, if you ask anyone I am the most nicest and open person you'll meet - I love helping people and I don't hide anything about myself IF I am asked a question. But it's all transitory and short lasting... nobody ever tries to maintain a friendship with me. Not only am I afraid and unable to ask others to be my friend, but people will realize this, try to become friends with me, but never follow up and then forget about me. I realize this is really my fault, because I don't make my own effort to maintain them... but like I said before, I have no courage, no self confidence to put myself out there...

I'm already 20 - I'm getting old. Sometimes I feel like when I die, it'll be as if I never existed because I feel as if I'm not really existing now anyway. I'm always lonely and not happy (but not sad either), but I'm somehow content with that and my life goes nowhere.

My life is uninteresting, so I have nothing to talk about myself. I'm boring to be around and I actually don't enjoy leaving my house. I fear it's too late from me, I've become accustomed to the lifestyle I have, and it'll never change.

It hasn't before, and it never will...